I'VE BEEN SERVED

My Daily Journal in Federal Prison

Day 37

There is something somewhat demoralizing about carrying a bushel of toilet paper across the compound at six thirty in the morning.  I truly believe that it is the Feds’ way of keeping our spirits down.  Have I yet explained the TP situation?  Well, here goes…

I can only imagine how this system works in the female prison system but, in here, none of the stalls come equipped with bum wipes; each man is thus responsible for bringing with them the necessary paper to clean up after their business.  Thankfully, this “amenity” is supplied without charge to the inmate, but we must still carry it on our person at all times.  (One can actually purchase TP from the prison store…but I cannot vouch for the quality and the justification for its price…nor have I ever known anyone to actually buy it and I do not know if it is any different than the free stuff.  Similarly, they also SELL envelopes which are actually offered free to the inmates in the Units.  Racket.)

Every Wednesday morning, prior to each Unit being called to the Chow Hall, we are released to the Laundry whereby we are handed two rolls of the much-prized Bob Barker Company “Priceless” Toilet Tissue (that is the honest-to-God name of the product).  If someone from off of the streets had magically appeared on the compound at the moment when we were all heading back to our Units, he would be blessed with the unsettling image of about 2,000 male inmates (of all shapes, sizes, and colors) slowly walking back home, heads bowed, dragging their feet…and arms laden with their morning gift of tushy paper.

What may be the most embarrassing aspect of this situation is the inability to disguise your intended mission (#1 or #2) when your brethren catch you walking toward the bathroom with a roll of the white stuff…because dudes don’t carry it with them if they are planning on standing.  And speaking of standing…here is something that I will forever fail to understand:  there are exactly 6 stalls on my side of the Unit, for roughly 100 dudes, and approximately 8 urinals.  Without fail, and for whatever reason, there are a bunch of guys (that must be ashamed of the lot that they’ve been given between their legs) that only use the first 2 toilet stalls to go #1…even if every single urinal is available.  Those first two stalls are subsequently reserved for the business of #1 and anyone who uses them for #2 are appropriately reprimanded by their peers.  Your guess is as good as mine.  Consequently, the line to use the stalls for their intended purpose can sometimes stretch 10 deep.

But guess what was for dinner tonight?  Chef’s salad.  Sounds pretty good right?  Guess what meat they used in place of the usual ham or turkey…give up?  The guy behind the counter deposited on top of each salad about a a cup and a half of chopped low-grade bologna.  Mmmm….I’m thankful that a stall was available when I got back to the Unit.

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1 Comment»

  DH wrote @

These guys probably take leaks in the stall because using the urinal leaves one vulnerable to being grabbed / choked from behind. Maybe you should go pee-pee in the stalls too??


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