My Daily Journal in Federal Prison

Day 53


Translation:  this dude who lives in my unit, and works in the kitchen, was intercepted by the cops on the middle of the compound with SIXTY PIECES of fried chicken hidden beneath his uniform, as he was attempting to make it back home unnoticed.  Yes, I was initially as confused as you must be.

It’s no secret that this sort of thing happens on a very regular basis.  I, personally, have enjoyed made-to-order cheeseburgers from the comfort of my own bed that were prepared that evening in the kitchen and made the trek to my unit beneath some guy’s questionable khakis.  (The smuggler and the burger chef must have made a hefty profit that night.)

Other things that I have seen taken straight from the chow hall have included fruit, milk, sugar packets, etc….but SIXTY PIECES of fried chicken??  I was stunned.  Keep in mind that the chicken here isn’t just a bunch of tiny wings and drumsticks — I’m talking about entire (fried) quarter-chicken pieces complete with thigh and leg.  What is absolutely astonishing about this feat is the audacity of it all; all kitchen staff are thoroughly searched for contraband prior to going home after their shift.  So, how in God’s name was that guy’s loot initially overlooked?  It took a very astute and suspicious guard on the compound to re-frisk this inmate before his nefarious chicken plot came to a screeching halt.  Maybe he was waddling a little bit funny?

I suppose you must also be wondering if the chicken was hot…as in recently fried…and, if so, how did he keep it from scorching his body?  Furthermore, you may be wondering who would be brave enough to eat this chicken after making the long sweaty journey, nestled among his man parts, all the way back to the unit.  Well, apparently this budding entrepreneur first ensconced his body in cardboard and then, if I understand this correctly, he slipped some kind of diabetic hosiery over his legs and midsection which he would ultimately stuff with chicken parts, just like a human sausage.  On top of all this, he donned his prison uniform which, like most people here, he wears about 5 sizes too large.  (I kid you not, the sizes here START at XL.)

As to who would have eaten this, had he succeeded?  Anybody and everybody.  Quite honestly, the fried chicken here is probably the best meal that they serve, especially when accompanied with their real, homemade skin-on mashed potatoes & gravy, sweet corn niblets, and a side salad with Italian dressing.  The going rate for the contraband fried chicken pieces (using prison currency) is a couple of dollar stamps (which are actually worth $0.75 each, hence, a buck fifty total) for a hefty piece of deliciousness.  This dude was standing to make ninety clams in one evening, which is a shitload of cash when you are locked up in here — and many of these guys don’t have a strong family support system with enough disposable income to regularly send them money.

To give you an idea of what things cost around here…haircuts cost 3 stamps, three sodas cost 2 stamps, a tattoo could cost upwards of 20 to 30 stamps, etc.  And this dude was looking to make about 120 stamps.  Unfortunately, the poultry poacher may not have appropriately weighed his risk versus reward.  His punishment?  One day in the hole for each piece of chicken, PLUS an extra 30 days.  That’s 90 days during which he will miss the entire summer of 2011, confined to a tiny cell.  He’ll likely get out sometime in October.  His punishment could ultimately be even worse — including steep fines and even a one-way ticket to the next worse facility.  He may even lose any earned good time which could be extremely disheartening if he was anywhere near his release date.

Well, at least he provided us with a brand new punchline to a tired old joke:  “…because the chicken was crammed down the pants of a filthy degenerate.”


1 Comment»

  DH wrote @

This might be my favorite posting yet.

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