I'VE BEEN SERVED
My Daily Journal in Federal PrisonArchive for Uncategorized
Day 248 – Part II
Last week, I heard what could have been the most puzzling sound to ever come out of a prison toilet stall. Some guy in there was clearly taking a dump…and out of the same stall came the sound of him cracking open a soda…and pouring it into a plastic container. How refreshing.
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On the last day of Christmas, the prison gave to me:
1 Milky Way
1 Snickers Bar
1 M&Ms
Three Musketeers
2CocoaPacks
1 Bag of Pretzels
Roasted, Salted Peanuts
1 Chocolate Brownie
1 Pack of Cookies
Tiny Bag of Cheez-Its
Honey BBQ Chips
Small Bag of Cheese Curls
2 Soft-Baked Cookies
Plain Potato Chips
1 Coffee Cake
1 Marble Pound Cake
Peanut Butter & Cheese Crackers
Bag of Party Mix
White Cheddar Popcorn
Chocolate & Yogurt-Covered Pretzel
1 Plain White Bagel
1 Big Bag ofHolidayCookies
And…
1 Honey Buuunnnnnnnn.
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The holiday meals here are something to behold. Let’s begin this recap with the first in a string of big-meal blowouts — Thanksgiving.
My first Thanksgiving here was probably the most melancholic experience that I have had thus far, especially considering that it was my favorite holiday on the outside. I’ve always enjoyed this holiday because of its lack of religious significance, the 4.5 day weekend, the precursor to the rest of the holiday season, and the opportunity to flex my culinary muscle in the kitchen. This is also the one holiday that my wife and I typically do not have to travel out of town for and instead entertain her amazing family at our home in the city. I would also be missing the annual tradition of the long walk that my wife and I usually take through the quiet, cold, and deserted city streets (“a kind of hush”) on the morning of Thanksgiving.
In a rather pathetic attempt at recreating that walk, I took a few laps around the rec yard track before the big holiday meal, listening to tired pop renditions of holiday classics and admiring the double razor-wired fence. After jumpstarting my metabolism, I was ready to get stuffed. On the menu: one large, generous portion of succulent turkey breast, homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, instant stuffing, palatable cranberries, salad, and pumpkin pie. Whoo-wee.
Afterward, I was ready to be carted out of the Chow Hall in a wheelbarrow. Being a Federal holiday and all, most of the compound would be shut down in the evening, so we were handed a bologna sandwich brown bag (for dinner) on the way out.
With my belly full of holiday tidings and my shit sandwich under my arm, I started the long trek back to the housing unit (“o’er the compound, among the hoods, my cinderblock house I go…”). Along the way, I began my mental countdown. 10…9…8…7…6…
Inmate: “MAN! That meal was trash. I remember when they used to give each inmate their OWN whole turkey…TWO kinds of pie…(etc., etc., etc.).”
Repeat, ad infinitum.
It never fails. And it normally doesn’t even take that long. Somewhere along the way, the inmates forgot where they were (prison) and who they were (prisoners). This isn’t some 5-star resort where they could lodge a complaint with the management. I suppose the ultimate “message” of Thanksgiving — being grateful for what we have — gets lost in an inverse correlation to the number of years that each guy serves.
Honestly, I was surprised that we had received anything special at all. A meal of this size and quality couldn’t have been cheap. Hooray for your tax dollars.
The Christmas holiday meal was even better. Aside from the very generous holiday gift bag that each inmate received (see above), the meal that preceded the gift distribution was nothing short of spectacular: a thick, Flintstone-sized slab of well-roasted beef, a small mound of baked ham (the first of which I had since my incarceration), mashed potatoes & gravy, pecan praline desert, mixed veggies, and salad. Considering the large Muslim population here (they don’t eat pork), there was plenty of extra swine to go around.
Surprisingly, I heard fewer complaints at this meal than the last. Not much praise, but fewer complaints.
The grand finale of this holiday meal trifecta was the bountiful feast served on New Year’s Day. My anticipation and excitement was, however, tempered with a mild disappointment. I’ve previously described my love affair with the infrequent Sunday pancake brunch…well, it just so happened that flapjack day landed on the same brunch slot as our holiday meal — and we obviously wouldn’t be receiving both. Beggars (or inmates) can’t be choosers, but the eventual meal more than made up for the bait & switch.
Perhaps “management” had listened to the “customer” complaints, as this time were all treated to our VERY OWN expertly roasted Cornish game hen, complete with the usual sides, and for desert — an extra-large slice of coconut creme pie, of which I ate the shit out of.
‘Tis the season to be hustlin’…and many inmates are chronically “thirsty” (that is, poor and looking to make some money.) The first thing that came out of their pocket when they sat down to eat was a clear, plastic sanitary glove in which they stuffed their tasty fowl and carted it back to the unit, ready for sale to the highest bidders.
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Remember when Snoop Dogg went from the “Church to da Palace”? Well, I made the same trip…when I got a new bunky a few weeks ago. You may recall my last celly was a guy named “Bless” — an older brother from theIslandswith a strong commitment to his Christian faith. While I was at work one day, the cops came through our unit for their weekly inspection and discovered some contraband among my celly’s belongings.
They found his spray bottle full of Pine-Sol which we used to keep our cube extra-sparkly prison clean. While I can certainly understand WHY inmates are not allowed to have a spray bottle in their possession (who wants a blast in the face with some caustic chemicals, anyway?), it’s unfortunate that something that is ultimately used for good would lead to my man being kicked out. You see, within two-man cubes, the bottom bunk is a privilege that is designated based on seniority and it can sometimes take up to 2-3 years to even get one. Nearly any infraction or sanction taken against you would be cause for having your bottom-bunk pass revoked for 90 days.
So, when I came home from work that day, I not only learned of my bunky’s fate, but I met my new celly who, oddly enough, was just released from the Hole where he spent 35 days “under investigation” — an all-encompassing umbrella category allowing the prison to hold any inmate in the Hole, at any time, for any reason, without actually imposing any further disciplinary actions. My new cell — I’ll call him “Knight” — was released without getting a “SHOT” (incident report) which thereby allowed him to regain his previously-held, bottom-bunk pass.
Apparently, my new roommate may hold the Unit’s record for the most write-ups and has racked up many trips to the Hole. The Bucket. The Corner Pocket.
But you know what? “Knight” and I have been having a great time. He’s actually a very kind, charismatic, young black man and he has been nothing but respectful of my space. I was a little nervous the first night of his stay when there were no less than 5 or 6 of his homies in our cube at any given time…complete with some impromptu rap battles…but those activities have quickly dissipated.
Actually, it will never cease to amaze me how many friends you automatically inherit in here, just by associating with someone. Now that Knight is my cell…I’m his “dude.” And all of HIS “dudes” are MY “dudes.” And vice versa. And I’m talking about the same guys that wouldn’t give me the time of day previously…but would now take a punch on the mouth for me. My dude and I are the new “Felix & Oscar” of Unit B.
What I Read In Prison – 2011
The following is a list of books I read last year, beginning with my incarceration on 5/10/11. While they all have their own merits, an asterisk precedes those titles that made an especially strong impact. As always, I’m interested in your recommendations — in particular, literary dramatic fiction, imagistic and minimalistic poetry, and compelling memoirs.
FICTION
Benioff, David — THE 25TH HOUR
Carlotto, Massimo & Videtta, Marco — POISONVILLE
*Chabon, Michael — THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF KAVALIER & CLAY
Connelly, Michael — THE NARROWS
*Coupland, Douglas — ELEANOR RIGBY
Coupland, Douglas — GIRLFRIEND IN A COMA
*Coupland, Douglas — THE GUM THIEF
Coupland, Douglas — MISS WYOMING
*Delillo, Don — FALLING MAN
Del Toro, Guillermo & Hoga, Chuck — THE STRAIN
De Saint-Exupery, Antoine — THE LITTLE PRINCE
*Egan, Jennifer — A VISIT FROM THE GOON SQUAD
*Eugenides, Jeffrey — MIDDLESEX
*Foer, Jonathan Safran — EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE
Franzen, Jonathan — THE CORRECTIONS
Hogan, Chuck — PRINCE OF THIEVES (Re-published as THE TOWN)
Johnston, Terry C. — ONE-EYED DREAM
Johnstone, William W. — THE LAST GUNFIGHTER: IMPOSTOR
*Kirn, Walter –MISSION TO AMERICA
Kirn, Walter — THUMB SUCKER
Kirn, Walter — UP IN THE AIR
*Kundera,Milan– THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING
Lehane, Dennis — MOONLIGHT MILE
Lehane, Dennis –MYSTIC RIVER
London, Jack — WHITE FANG
McCarthy, Cormac — NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
*McInerney, Jay — THE GOOD LIFE
Moore, Christopher — YOU SUCK: A LOVE STORY
Nesbo, Jo — THE REDEEMER
Palahniuk, Chuck — HAUNTED
Paretsky, Sara — TOTAL RECALL
*Salinger, J.D. — THE CATCHER IN THE RYE
Stein, Garth — THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN
*Toole, John Kennedy — A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES
Vonnegut, Kurt — CAT’S CRADLE
*Vonnegut, Kurt — SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE
*Wolfe, Tom — A MAN IN FULL
*Yates, Richard –REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
NON-FICTION
Abercrombie, Barbara — COURAGE & CRAFT
Braithwaite, E.R. — TO SIR, WITH LOVE
Bramwell, David — THE BOOK OF HARD WORDS
*Buford, Bill — AMONG THE THUGS
Burroughs, Augusten — DRY
Cullen, Dave — COLUMBINE
*Didion, Joan — BLUE NIGHTS
Didion, Joan — SLOUCHING TOWARDS BETHLEHEM
Didion, Joan — THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING
Frey, James — A MILLION LITTLE PIECES
Gardner, Chris — THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
Halpern, Justin — SHIT MY DAD SAYS
*Hamilton, Gabrielle — BLOOD, BONES & BUTTER
*Hoff, Benjamin — THE TAO OF POOH
*Hornbacher, Marya — MADNESS: A BI-POLAR LIFE
*Karr, Mary — THE LIAR’S CLUB
King, Stephen — ON WRITING
Kushner, Sam & Schoenberger, Nancy — HOLLYWOOD KRYPTONITE
Latza Nadeau, Barbie — ANGEL FACE: THE TRUE STORY OF STUDENT KILLER AMANDA KNOX
Levine, Nancy & Wilson the Pug — THE TAO OF PUG
Levitt, Steven D. & Dubner, Stephen J. — FREAKONOMICS
Levitt, Steven D. & Dubner, Stephen J. — SUPERFREAKONOMICS
*Malone, Calvin — RAZOR-WIRE DHARMA: A BUDDHIST LIFE IN PRISON
Maull, Fleet — DHARMA IN HELL: THE PRISON WRITINGS OF FLEET MAULL
Mazrich, Ben — BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE
Mazrich, Ben — RIGGED
Montiel, Dito — A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS
Norling, Ernest R. — PERSPECTIVE MADE EASY
*Sedaris, David — WHEN YOU ARE ENGULFED IN FLAMES
Simpson, O.J. — IF I DID IT
Steele, Ronnie — MY OWN WORST ENEMY: A MEMOIR OF ADDICTION
Strunk, William Jr. & White, E.B. — THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE
Sudo, Philip Toshio — ZEN GUITAR
*Walls, Jeannette — THE GLASS CASTLE
Wurtzel, Elizabeth — PROZAC NATION
SELF-HELP
*Fiore, Neil, PH.D. — THE NOW HABIT
POETRY
*Collins, Billy — THE TROUBLE WITH POETRY: AND OTHER POEMS
*Simic, Charles — THAT LITTLE SOMETHING
GRAPHIC NOVELS
Miller, Frank & Mazzucchelli, David — BATMAN: YEAR ONE